forum Choking on Crimson Ash [OxO // mature 18+ // closed]

Started May 16, 2023 by @ElderGod-Carrots

tune

Caeso leaning in had not been an invitation for Nari to touch him, but the fact that they were so close now was hard to ignore and it made it even worse when the spirit reached out and touched him. Gentle hands and soft fingers brushing over his neck, and then his jaw before settling on his chin once again as it had in multiple other instances of their time together thus far. For someone who was so arrogant and obnoxious, boisterous and out going the rest of the time, Nari certainly had a knack for being gentle with him when he wanted to be. So close. So close that Caeso could feel the spirit's breath over his skin. His attention was quick to move from being focused on his own thoughts and the want to argue to being solely on the man in front of him. They were both kneeling now, and Caeso's hands had been braced on the pillows to push himself forwards but he didn't know what to do with them anymore.

Touch Nari? No, definitely not. He had no reason to but to be fair, the spirit had no reason to touch him either. He was only doing it to keep his focus. Without Eiya in the room anymore he didn't need to touch or get this close, and yet neither of them were moving away. Caeso should have, move his face out of the spirit's grip and tell him to fuck off. But he was too enraptured by the other being so close that he couldn't. It was as if he was paralysed, just as he had been in the library when Nari had cornered him. And all of Nari's attention was on him. Not on Eiya who, thank fuck, was no longer around, but on the captain. The thought shouldn't have sent his stomach fluttering or his cheeks heating up but the actions and feelings were involuntary. Caeso silently cursed himself for being so susceptible to touch from others, especially in this sense. Instead, he let his hands come to rest in his lap, grabbing at the end of his own shirt for something to hold onto, something to ground him.

And he almost looked away and moved out of Nari's grip but then the spirit was pulling his attention again once more. Caeso swallowed. He had no doubt that Nari could hear every single movement he made. Every swallow and shaky breath at the close proximity. Because every breath he took in ended up coming out looser than the last. He could blame it on nerves and calming down from the adrenaline all he wanted but he knew that wasn't going to get past the sneaky spirit no matter how much he tried. All he could do was hope that Nari wasn't going to comment on it or move his hands to his cheeks to feel how red and hot they were. Caeso silently cursed the man for being able to so effortlessly have this effect on him despite not knowing the man well. Maybe this was an everyone thing. Maybe this wasn't just a Caeso thing and he could do this with everyone and it was just his personality. Yeah, that had to be it.

"I've gone further on less sleep and food," He managed to whisper, swallowing another lump in his throat, "Dealt with worse. I can survive. I'll be fine. With or without you, I'll be fine." He had done this shit hundreds of times. On a smaller scale, maybe, but it was the same premise and he had done so without Nari on his ass about self care. But to get the spirit off his back about it, he relented, only a little, "I'll wash. But that's it."

"With or without all those deaths?" Because Nari couldn't forget Caeso's breakdown. He couldn't forget how the captain had been so traumatized and haunted that he had sought out comfort from not only a stranger, but from one that he had disliked. He couldn't forget the feeling of having him hidden away against his chest as his home burned and his people and friends were slaughtered in the worst way possible. Nari knew that Caeso was refusing to really process it, knew that he was reeling from a traumatizing experience, but he couldn't let him self destruct like that. He claimed he was fine, but it was obvious he wasn't. Not when he had been so vulnerable and shaken just moments earlier. Nari didn't want to have to fight him on this, didn't want to force him into anything, but if he had to, he would. The concern he held for Caeso was unprecedented in the sense they were strangers, but he had always had a caring heart beneath the chipper and flippant attitude. He took care of people. He wanted people happy. The captain before him wasn't an exception.

Nari slid his hand back to cup Caeso's jaw and get a better grip, though that ended up drawing them even closer than intended—and it revealed the creeping warmth in Caeso's cheek. He didn't acknowledge it, nor did he acknowledge the shaky breaths or nervous swallows, but he knew. He heard and felt it, even the thump of Caeso's heart beating. This close, it would be a miracle if he didn't hear it even with him not paying attention to what he could hear. So outside hadn't been a random response. This, holding him like this, got this type of reaction out of Caeso. A part of him felt guilty, because in a way he was taking advantage of that just like he had done with Eiya, but it was different with the captain. It only chewed the guilt deeper into his conscious. He shouldn't be taking advantage of this reaction to get Caeso to listen, but it was the only thing he could think of in the moment to really have his attention on him and listen to what he was saying.

So he ignored it. Even if his fingers crept just a fraction to feel more of the heat, like he was seeking out warmth to counter his cold—he ignored it. Nari tilted his head and just barely avoided their noses brushing, though he remained oblivious to that close call. "You'll wash, then you'll eat. Please." It wasn't often he asked for something like that, but demands weren't going through. Caeso was too stubborn of mind to respond to demands, and his mind had to be clattering with nothing but what he had just seen and witnessed. Death like that was not good for anyone. It made even Nari sick to his stomach with all he had sensed, and he had known what Ezekt was capable of. Of others. People he was… close to. But on this scale, it was horrifying. Caeso needed the rest, the break to take care of himself until he pushed himself to the brink, or else he wouldn't make it as far as he could.

Nari shifted, and his free hand suddenly touched Caeso's neck. Gentle, light, like he was grounding the man himself with just a featherlight pressure of fingers right next the hollow of his throat and the curve into his shoulder. He didn't know why he felt the sudden need to do so, but it also kept him steady without needing to move or shift. He was afraid that if he did move too much, Caeso would snap out of it and shove him away again. The last time he hadn't cared; it wasn't as important. But this time, he needed that full attention. It wasn't a simple game.

This time when Caeso swallowed it wasn't because of Nari's touches. It was because of the reminder that he was given about those deaths and how it was far from ordinary and far from what he had been used to in any other situation. Sure, the captain had seen battle, but not on a scale like this and certainly not a battle that consisted of his friends screaming out for him of all people, to save them as they were ripped to shreds. War was different. It consisted of understanding that there would be losses on both sides of the fight but you went in prepared for those deaths, prepared for the fact that you might lose some friends at the end of it all. But you knew. You knew that was what was going to happen, and everyone took that risk when it came to battling those like him. But demons? The attack on the city? That had been unprepared for, out of the blue, an ambush and one none of them had been ready for. And the enemy wasn't something that could be easily killed with a simple slash of a sword or magical attack. His men had been trained fighters and yet none of them had survived, and all of them had called for him to save him because there was no one else to do so. At least in war, they were aware that they might die, but today none of them had known that was how they were to end up, and the only thing they could do was cry for help.

Caeso didn't blame them, he would have done the same had he been on the other end of a demon attack with no way out, but that wasn't going to stop him from feeling guilty and to blame. Self-destruction was his middle name whether or not he was aware of it. Ever since he was a kid he had pushed himself past his limits and chalked it down to simply being stubborn as well as his desperate need to succeed and prove himself. Nothing more, nothing less, just the fact that he was determined and not because he had some deep insecurities and issues he refused to acknowledge or address. Like the desire to be perfect and please and be the captain and leader everyone needed. Falling short on that was like stepping on hot coals and stabbing needles into his heart at the same time. It was exactly what he had done today by leaving.

Continuing on without processing those facts was the only way he knew how to function. He had broken down back at the palace and that had been embarrassing enough and he wasn't about to let that happen again. The more he thought about it, the more he would break, and the more chance there was that he would stall them. If he moved, if he kept moving, no matter how tired, he wouldn't have to think about it. Moving and marching towards his end goals meant he could redeem himself, at least a little, for those that he had failed today. Caeso didn't want the man he had just met to have to see that side of him again. The one that broke down and was soft when he shouldn't be. But Nari had a stupid fucking ability to get in his head and Caeso didn't like that he was able to do so.

And then the spirit was moving both his hands and Caeso didn't know what instinct or thought he should be functioning on anymore. Because on the one hand, he wanted to scream and yell and argue and march out of there, but he physically couldn't because Nari had a hold on him, figuratively and literally. He was sure that the spirit could feel the warmth in his cheeks, and it only grew with the move, especially when their noses were so close, when they were mere inches apart from one another. He was sure that Nari could feel the way his throat bobbed at that featherlight touch on his neck and how he instinctively leaned into the touch before he knew what he was doing. He was sure that Nari would be more than aware of the fact that Caeso moved his hands to lightly graze his fingers over the spirit's knees, a move that could be taken as simply keeping his balance, but probably wasn't, and he was sure that, had the spirit not been blind, he would have seen Caeso's gaze flick across his face to places over than his eyes before settling back there again, "You have no food in your house."

Nari's smile was gentle and patient, just a tiny lift of his lips. He was getting there, slowly. It would take a lot more convincing to get Caeso to stay the night like he needed to, and it may just end up being Nari ignoring his argument entirely, but they would burn that bridge when they get there. For now, the spirit would take the win while he could and eventually wear Caeso down until he accepted the fact that he needed to be taken care of if he wasn't going to take care of himself. And Nari, evidently, would be that person to take care of him. It was an odd feeling, volunteering to care for someone like he was and feeling a sort of warmth in his chest at being allowed just a little bit of room to do so. He didn't know what it was, or why, but he just knew that he would keep doing this. Insist again and again until Caeso finally accepted that he needed to regularly make sure he was healthy, even if that meant having Nari do it all.

The spirit moved just the slightest bit before coming to a halt. It almost seemed like he had been wanting to press their faces together, close the distance, and rest his forehead against Caeso's. Strands of fluffy blonde hair slid down into his face, covering his eyes and drifting over his nose. He didn't react, even if the ones on his nose made it twitch a little from being ticklish. He didn't move any closer, either, because there wasn't any need to. He did shift ever so slightly, the smallest encouragement of the captain's touch without directly acknowledging it. Even with that, and how Caeso leaned into his touch to his neck, Nari didn't have a legitimate excuse to push the boundary of strangers than he already had. Instead, he moved his one hand to properly cup Caeso's cheek. To comfort. That was the excuse he had if asked. Comfort. Caeso was too quiet to be okay after Nari had brought up the deaths, so he cupped his cheek and gently swiped his thumb over the skin of Caeso's neck with his other hand.

"I have some food," he said, smiling just a little more. "But it's not enough for a meal. Eiya is going out to get some, and then I'll be making us dinner." Because he didn't trust Eiya to do it, and he wanted Caeso to relax and not worry about anything. "We should be done with washing up and changing by the time he gets back." And at that point, there wouldn't be a reason for Caeso to deny food, because it would be right there. He could sit right here, do nothing and worry about nothing, and Nari could get all the food ready for them. Then they could go to sleep and be ready to set out in the morning.

Nari left it at that, not pushing and arguing, just letting Caeso sit with that information and do with it what he will. He tried to ignore the heat of Caeso's cheek or how natural it felt to have his face in his hand, like it was meant to be framed by his touch. He couldn't stop himself from the idle strokes of his thumb, but he could keep his touch where it was. Caeso might be very easy to fluster and get reactions out of, but that didn't mean Nari was immune to feeling and hearing every one. It softened him, made whatever annoyance he had held for the captain slowly fade away and have patience and gentleness replace it. The man no longer being brash and argumentative—at the moment—helped too, but it didn't explain the little voice in his head telling him to get closer and stay close now that he had allowed himself to really acknowledge their proximity. It was better when Caeso didn't reciprocate. he could ignore it and think nothing of it when it was him getting the attention of the other man, but when Caeso reached out to Nari in return? Leaned into his touch? It forced the spirit to really think about it and notice, and that wasn't good.

Caeso couldn't help himself from leaning into the touches he was given. It was instinctual, both from the fact that the captain was subconsciously seeking comfort from the man that was right in front of him but also because it somehow felt right to do so. He would ignore that for now. He didn't need to be thinking about what it might imply or mean if he put too much thought into the reasons as to what he was doing when Nari was so close to him. Close enough that the spirit was practically speaking onto his features, that his breathing tickled his face and he could feel each inhale and exhale, the change of the air around them. Being this close to someone he didn't know was strange but he was finding that the longer they stayed like this, the more he liked it, and the more he enjoyed being this close with Nari.

The touch that the captain made to the spirit's knee moved as the other did until his palm came to rest, not just his fingertips. But when he saw and felt the other's hair shift he couldn't stop himself from reaching up with his other hand and brushing the strands away. He noted the shift in his features, as much as Nari couldn't see and that the hair in front of his eyes wasn't a bother, his nose twitched enough that Caeso felt that he should move it to make him more comfortable. Logically, he was aware that there was no need to do so, but he couldn't stop himself, just as Nari hadn't stopped himself when it came to brushing his thumb under his eyes and cheeks in a motion that was more soothing than it had any right to be. It was why Caeso was leaning into it. The reason as to why his cheeks were warming even more and he was aware Nari could definitely feel that now, was a mystery and something else he wasn't willing to unpack at the present moment.

It didn't help that the spirit was wearing him down when it came to his basic needs. The exhaustion of everything was catching up finally now that they had stopped for longer than five minutes and he had been reminded of it all. Whether it was intentional or not, it didn't matter. His mind was somewhere else even if his body was with Nari and half of his head was there. Difficult to think of anything else when their whole aim was to take down the God that had caused such death and destruction. Difficult to focus on caring for himself when he felt there was no need for him to do so. All those thoughts swirled around and he was sure they were as clear as day on his face, Caeso was just glad that Nari wasn't able to see. He was sure that if the spirit had been able to, he would have insisted on resting for even longer than just a night.

Wash. Food. Rest. Three things that Nari was looking for him to do. Caeso could do the washing part, he knew that it was needed regardless because he stunk and he wasn't exactly happy about being in the same clothes he had watched his friends die in, which had splatterings of blood that he didn't know whether it was his or theirs. Would he even be able to stomach eating? The thought had him wanting to gag because after what he had seen had been awful and he didn't know whether he would be able to keep anything down if he tried, "Clean first. Then- then maybe something to eat." Maybe, because he would have to see if he was able to stomach anything no matter if he was hungry or not.

Nari startled some when he felt a touch to his face. It was just the lightest brush, more intent on brushing away the hair in his face than actually touching him, but he felt the whisp of skin against his right as he no longer had that ticklish feeling on his nose. That, out of everything, is what had him blinking and buffering. It shouldn't have effected him as much as it did, but Caeso had no reason. No reason at all to be gentle and touchy with him. Nari could justify himself by saying that it was a means to an end with a solid pinch of comfort, the way he was holding the captain's face in his hands. And being so close… he was blind. Who was to say he knew exactly where he was or what he was doing? Nevermind the fact that he could feel every time Caeso breathed, or could feel the heat of his natural warmth that also seeped through his palm into the spirit's knee. Nevermind that he knew just what he was doing because he wasn't stupid. They were close enough that it would take nothing for him to lean forward and knock their noses together, if not some other part.

But Caeso. Caeso wasn't pulling away. He was, in fact, beat red and leaning into him. Brushing Nari's hair from his face and and doing nothing to take away the hold on his face. At this point, Nari wasn't even holding him hostage. His grip had loosened into nothing, his hand now a cradle for the man's face to rest in. His touch moved to trace over cheekbone and soft skin, finding those eyebags he has sought out before once again. This time, as he traced over the crease, he wasn't searching, but rather contemplative and only more determined to make Caeso get some sleep. He needed it desperately. The dreams, they would be banished regardless of how Nari managed to get him to sleep.

When Caeso finally responded, Nari's eyes crinkled in the smallest of smiles, like he was silently praising him for accepting the care he needed. The spirit bopped Caeso on the nose with his thumb, though his hand barely moved from where it stayed against his cheek. "We'll try something small." Maybe a stew, if he had the right things. Eiya would undoubtedly loot someplace for the food, of he wasn't hunting for it. Nari chose to think the best of his friend and hope he wouldn't take advantage of a tragedy and instead steal from some other thriving city.

But now that Caeso accepted his help, or at least half of it, there wasn't further reason to stay as they were. Nari hesitated, lips parting and eyes shifting to the side. He should let go. He didn't need Caeso's attention on him, didn't need to hold him like he was or keep him eye level. The touch to Caeso's face slackened just slightly, but the curl and swipe of his fingers was softer and more soothing than before, and Nari wanted to keep that gentle heat. Caeso… Caeso was still mourning. It was unfair of Nari to take advantage of anything the man was feeling, but he wouldn't pull away until Caeso did. He would stay until he wasn't needed anymore, then they could pop the bubble and be on their way. Then nothing had happened, they were back to civil dislike, and he wouldn't think about the foreign warmth mingling with his cold. Nari had taken what he wanted—now he was giving the floor to Caeso.

Caeso knew he should move. He should pull away. He should get out of Nari's space and go to the bathroom and clean himself up just as he said he was going to do. He should, but he didn't. Not yet. He was too busy basking in the comfort that the spirit was offering and giving him so easily to think about moving. He didn't know when the next time would be when he was able to take something so freely without having to ask for it, and he doubted that he would ever get this sort of attention from Nari again, either. The only reason they were like this was because Nari was insistent on him taking care of himself and Caeso was stubborn and didn't feel as if he deserved or need it. But the spirit thought differently and had gotten so close in order to gain his attention and keep his eyes on him. Now there was no need for any of it well.

Well, that was a lie. The captain was grieving and mourning and he needed all the comfort he could get it was just a case of whether or not he would allow himself to do so. At the moment, the answer was no. At least that was what he was trying to tell himself. He was trying to stop himself from feeling anything, it was why he wanted to keep going. Focusing on travelling, on necessities, on getting to The Under meant he didn't have to face the fact that he had failed and lost so many. It meant he could block out and ignore all his emotions because they weren't needed and were only going to slow him down. If he broke at the smallest things then they weren't going to get very far. But this wasn't small. This was, in fact, the opposite of small. He had just lost his entire home, most of his friends and family and he had been incapable of stopping it. That wasn't small or something to ignore or disregard.

But he didn't know what else to do. Caeso wasn't allowing himself to break down again. He had already sort comfort in Nari once, back in his chambers when those screams had been so loud that even blocking his ears and trying to focus on Nari's voice hadn't removed them completely. Seeking comfort in the spirit once again felt selfish. He wasn't about to let himself be that person. But Nari's hand encompassed his whole cheek that when he bopped his nose he only had to move his thumb slightly to do so. When he accepted potentially eating something the man had smiled a little more and his eyes crinkled at the corners. Caeso found himself staring at the spirit's features, taking them in one last time because he doubted they would ever be this close again.

That was when finally, he moved. The hand that had been resting on Nari's knee came to rest on the floor and he used it to push himself back onto his heels and out of Nari's hand before he stood. Caeso could still feel the ghost of the spirit's hand over his cheek and he resisted the urge to reach up and touch it. Instead, he picked up his bag from where he had cast it aside only feet away and stepped back, "I'll go wash up." He said, and with that he hurried to down those stairs to the bathroom.

Nari couldn't see, that much was still painfully obvious, but he liked to think that Caeso was looking at him half as softly as the spirit felt towards him. That the invisible gaze on him wasn't with annoyance or contempt like it had been before. That, just this moment, things weren't real. That it wasn't Nari Setoku and Caeso Duria, but rather two nobodies who held no obligations or expectations between the two of them. Nothing was dictating whether or not they were allowed to take comfort from one another without any sort of strings or reasons. But the reality was that they weren't nobodies with no responsibilities. And Nari was blind to how Caeso looked at him. For all he knew, the captain was silently pleading for him to let go and get out of his space.

The thing was, Nari was far from touch deprived. He had Eiya constantly finding reasons to come into contact with him, whether it be the two of them cuddling on the couch or Eiya getting into his jealous fits and making it a point to stake his claim over the fox spirit. Mai wasn't as physical, but she had no problem with dragging Nari into hugs. But there was something about being this close to Caeso and not being able to see him that made all of that meaningless. It was almost like he was all alone and had never felt physical affection, which was a lie. He had the sudden and overwhelming urge to shift them both until he could pull Caeso in and lock him into an embrace; let the man snuggle into his chest while the two of them did absolutely nothing but sit there and soak in the comfort. Simply sit there and exist, maybe sneak in a suggestion to get some sleep to trick Caeso into doing that.

Even if he could muster up any sort of proposition, there wasn't time anyway. Eventually, Caeso moved out of the spirit's touch and stood, leaving Nari to catch himself and figure out what to do with his hands now that they weren't on the captain. Nari opened his mouth as Caeso left, then closed it. He was gone, anyway, and Nari had no clue what he would say even if he wasn't on his way to the stairs. Stay? One more minute? All that effort to get the man to take care of himself, it was stupid to even think about delaying him further or else he might change his mind. Caeso would use any excuse in the book to get out of taking care of himself right in that moment. The second Nari gave him an out, he'd take it. Too risky for a whim.

Caeso would find an open circular area downstairs, yet another place to lounge around, but it was smaller as it acted as the simple connection between the three rooms down there—a main bedroom, a guest bedroom, and bathroom. Though it was all underground, tree roots, rugs, and moss and ferns covered up all the dirt that would've otherwise been exposed. The rooms themselves were minimally decorated and clearly neutral, mindful of the many occupants that would take up shelter there. Only the main bedroom held any sort of personalization, and even that was kept small.

Sitting back on his haunches, Nari turned towards where Caeso had run off to, ears perked and twisting to listen to the man had gone downstairs to wash up. Then, when the captain was truly gone, he turned around to drop his blackened gaze down to his open hands in his lap. They felt empty, which was new and unpleasantly frustrating. The stubborn ass captain shouldn't be under Nari's skin like this, but damned if he hadn't been there since the beginning. With a heavy sigh through his nose, Nari looked away from his hands once more and instead grabbed at his forearms, rubbing like he could scrub away the lingering warmth of Caeso's cheek and skin. Stupid. Stupid. He shouldn't be floundering on what he should do with himself now that he was left alone and away from the captain who had, up until this very second, been infuriating. His wound throbbed, though, like a reminder, and Nari stood after a moment of silence to also head downstairs and into his room. A puzzle for another day, if at all.

Caeso descended the stairs one by one and tried not to go so fast as to trip and fall on his own feet. He'd grabbed his bag on the way down, easy enough to snatch from the ground when it had been lying next to him which meant a change into some fresh clothes. He was glad that they had gone to his chambers all things considered. They could have just gone with nothing, stopping in a village nearby and found something instead of going through the palace. Fuck, they could have taken the child with them and dropped her off there, too. But at least he had his own clothes, which was more of a comfort than he would admit. Familiar.

Because where they were going would be unmarked territory. No one, well, barely anyone went into The Under. Of course, there were those that worked for Ezekt, those that worshipped him and lived down there for some fucked up reason, but they were all there because they wanted to be. Caeso and Nari were going because they needed to be and they weren't going to enjoy their time down there, either. At least Caeso wasn't, and Nari would have to be some kind of fucked up to like it in that hell hole and for once he was choosing to look for something positive in the man. That was becoming easier the more and more he thought about the spirit and he couldn't decide whether he liked that or not.

Down the stairs and into the wash room the captain shut the door behind him as soon as he stepped foot in the small space. The moment he did, he dropped the bag to the floor and leaned against the door, slowly sinking down until he was sitting and he could hold his face in his hands. Gods, he was so tired. And he couldn't get Nari out of his damned head. Couldn't stop thinking about how nice it was to have the man holding him, touching him, offering comfort when he didn't need to. Whatever wall he had tried to put up to hold himself from breaking down and accepting help was slowly cracking with every second that he spent with Nari being sweet with him. Insisting on him taking care of himself, eating and washing and resting and to stop neglecting his needs in favour of others.

But that was what Caeso was good at. It was what he was designed to do. Put everyone first. Always and forever put everyone before himself. First, it had been his family, his mother and younger siblings, trying to be the perfect role model and work hard, train hard, for them. Then it had been the other soldiers in his battalion, and then his prince and his king and all his men. Never him. Not ever. He couldn't allow himself to be selfish like that. It was why it felt wrong to be stopping and caring for himself when the world was burning around him and he had so many important things to do. He wasn't important in all this. Whether he lived or died was irrelevant, it was making sure that others were safe, first.

Standing, the captain moved, rummaging through his bag until he found a clean shirt and pants. He stripped down until he was standing naked and looking at just how tired he was in the small mirror in the bathroom. Caeso was quick to wash and clean up, not wanting to spend too much time on himself, no more than was necessary, until he was wearing a pair of black, flowing pants that hugged his hips and a soft white shirt. The dirt and grime was gone when he was finished and he would admit it felt good to be clean again.

Nari was slower as he descended the stairs, not quite as in a rush to get away as Caeso had been. The spirit didn't know how to take that—Caeso speeding down the steps loud enough that Nari could hear it clearly. Was he that pushy and demanding that Caeso felt the need to run away? Nari stopped in the middle of the staircase to lean against the wall and think. Had he ultimately trapped the captain, suffocated him into submission? The thought was sour on his mood. As much as a blush could convey without words, there was a difference between enjoying something and mentally suffering while the body reacts. The only thing that consoled him enough to not go into a spiral was that he had given Caeso an out, and it took a minute for him to pull away. The was the only thing that Nari could be partially sure of. Everything else was moot when he couldn't see half of the cues.

The spirit curled his lip in a silent and frustrated snarl, annoyed with himself at getting so caught up in the captain and his own internal doubts. He just didn't want to be an asshole; agonizing over a man going downstairs quickly was pushing it too far and getting a bit ridiculous. Everything was ridiculous. Caeso was under his skin and it wasn't how things were supposed to be. As Nari went down the rest of the stairs and went into his bedroom before he found himself staring at the closed bathroom door, he quietly berated himself for letting down enough of his guards that he had been caught flustered at Caeso's hand. The last person that should've been able to do something like that to him.

Years of Eiya's playful advances, and this is what got his mind spinning? No. Nari stripped off his shirt, then pants, and hissed when the stretch pulled at his wound and threatened to rip it open again. Caeso wasn't going to be the person to throw him off, especially at this time. Nari needed to keep his head and focus on the fact that he was very likely to die if they didn't imprison Ezket for good, if not during their mission. Who knows, maybe he'd come back again, and this time remember his past life. Did spirits even get reincarnated again, or was it only once? He didn't know. Maybe he'd get a free pass given the circumstances.

He had forgotten to close the door behind him. Nari rubbed at his face and grabbed a random pair of pants, which ended up being a pair that hung loose and low on his hips. Better for him, when he felt the full damage that the demon had done to him. The one thing about getting wounded in fox form was that every blow translated to his human-esque body in some way. Which meant that something thought to be small would actually turn into a big problem after shifting—almost like this. The demon had clipped him with a nail after batting at him, which had gouged into his side. Nari ran his fingers over his side and felt for the edges of the wound. From the feels of it, the worst part was directly on his side, while the ends reached over his ribs and nearly to his hipbone but were less severe.

Nari went to the kit he kept for situations like this and pulled out a cloth. Right next to the kit was a bucket of water for this exact situation, so he dunked the cloth, wrung it out, and got to work cleaning out the wound and the dried blood around it. He periodically felt around to find any patches that needed more cleaning, and by the time he was done, the wound had in fact tore back open and started seeping out blood. He cursed and pressed the cloth against his side, then felt around the kit for a needle and thread. This would suck working blind, but he would make do just like any other time—he's done it before. Then he positioned himself next to a small table to set the cloth down and start feeling around for the best place to start. The cloth stayed close just in case the bleeding got too much to navigate around.

His mind was still spinning by the time Caeso was fully cleaned up. No more dirt or blood under his nails. No more grime on his face, behind his ears. No more demon smell or blood or goo on him. No more stench of death. A walking skeleton. That was what he had heard himself be called after the death of his prince, and he had no doubt that was precisely what he would have been called again had any of his men been present. The captain's usually bright, shimmering green eyes were nothing but distant and far away. Those dark circles only seemed to have deepened, sunk further into his sink that they were starting to look bruised. A split lip added to the look along with the fact that his eyes were also red-rimmed as if he were on the verge of crying, but not entirely false.

It was like losing his prince all over again, only this time it was worse somehow. Losing your best friend and almost lover was horrible, but losing men he had considered family? Men who he had known since he was a child. Men he had grown up with, seen fall in love, become heartbroken, tried and failed on thousands of endeavours and been there with him throughout it all. Losing them was as if he was losing himself. Caeso didn't know how he could function on anything but auto. His mind wouldn't stop but he wasn't quite there. He didn't think he ever would be again. How could someone be after seeing and hearing so many loved ones die?

Recovering was out of the books at this point. It was why he was determined to get shit done and fix it all so he could hide away for the rest of his stupid life. Maybe there he wouldn't get people hurt. Maybe there he could do some good - by staying away he wouldn't get close to people and then their deaths wouldn't hurt as much, if he had no one, he could hurt no one, intentionally or otherwise. If Caeso lived, that was the plan after it all. Nari and him would go separate ways and they would never think or see each other again and Caeso? He'd find some old cottage and stay there for however long he could survive. No one had to be hurt. He couldn't lose another person, especially if it was his fault.

Your fault. Your fault. It's all. your. fault. It was the only thought really going through his mind. That and other variations of it. Ezekt freeing himself, of course, wasn't, but the deaths were. He should have stopped them. Should have saved them. Should have done something instead of nothing and now he was stuck with the fallout of his actions and had to live with that for the rest of his days.

Shaking his head to himself, Caeso grabbed his bag and opened the bathroom door, heading into the small space and dumping his stuff in the middle of the nest of blankets and pillows. Moving his stuff into the guest room meant acknowledging he was sleeping and that was not what he was doing. He just didn't want to leave it upstairs where Eiya could get to it or in the bathroom. But as he moved he noticed Nari's door open, noticed the spirit shirtless and about to attempt to patch himself up. For fucks sake. Because putting a needle to skin to try and clean and stitch a wound blind was a brilliant idea. As much as Caeso wasn't all there, he wasn't about to leave Nari alone for something like that. He moved, slowly, and knocked on the door softly, "I don't think it's wise to do that blind."

It had already been a long day, and having time to yourself never really benefitted when you had things like death and the total destruction of your home on your mind. It was reasonable to expect the distraught captain to take some time to himself after washing up, because anyone with any semblance of empathy would do so. The silence ringing from the bathroom after the water shut off wasn't concerning enough to alert the spirit of anything bad. After a minute or so, Nari vaguely heard Caeso exiting the bathroom, presumably done with what he had been tasked with, but didn't think much of it. He'd meet the man upstairs after dealing with his own process of patching up himself and changing, then use whatever Eiya brought to make them dinner. That's what he had expected, at least. Caeso stopping at his room wasn't part of his expectations.

Nari lifted his head and looked to Caeso's direction, startled. His focus was off, evident by his gaze leaning too far to the left to be convincingly on Caeso. All of it was funneled into his hands, the deft fingers tracing over the sore wound to act as his eyes. He already had the thread started, and with barely a flinch, looped the needle through to begin closing it off at the end closing in on his hip. Done with that, Nari pulled the thread and turned away from Caeso. "Done it before," he said. And he had. The spirit couldn't count how many times he had come home and needed to sew himself back together after a nasty encounter. Luckily, as a being so closely intertwined with death already, he healed decently well—though remnants of scars still littered his skin if one looked for them.

Admittedly, going after Ezekt, this entire mission, would be the worst thing he'd put himself through. All the other times, it had just been a casualty of the job. An expected hindrance. Nothing bad enough to be life-threatening, but enough that he got in his practice without ever going out of his way to do so. But this time, Ezket would be at the end of his sights. A foe a lot bigger, a lot meaner, and a lot more powerful than him. A foe that already wasn't happy with him. Nari had Caeso on his side for now, but that didn't mean it would help him any in the long run. They could succeed, Ezekt would be locked away and everyone would be safe, and only Caeso would make it back home. Nari's chances of surviving this were slim, and he accepted that.

It didn't make the knowledge any easier, though. He'd be leaving his only family behind with a flimsy promise that he'd be okay. Die at the hands of the being he once spat at and swore to never see again. The irony of it all was laughable, but he had to do it. Either he died trying to keep the God of Death at bay, or he died being a coward hoping to hide from the wrath he had brought down upon himself. At least the former offered the slimmest chance at coming out of it all alive and safe for good.

Nari's head twitched, and he brought himself back into the present with hardly more than a blink. Ever so slightly, his eyes shifted back into focus. This first, existential crisis over dying later. There wasn't any point in dwelling over a death that wasn't guaranteed when he hasn't even left his house yet to get to The Under, let alone face his former employer. Nari snagged the cloth with a free hand and dabbed at the wound, silently willing it to clot again. Stitching while bleeding was messy and cumbersome. The spirit's ears flicked. Caeso was still there, watching him. The man's presence was obnoxiously there that it was hard to ignore it now that Nari knew he was there.

Caeso nearly cringed when he watched Nari thread the needle through his skin, not because of the act of stitching someone up but because he was doing it blindly and the captain could already tell that it wasn't going to end well. He knew that he shouldn't really go in there and help. Nari was able to handle it himself because he was grown and had, like he said, done this before, but he wasn't about to stand to the side and watch the man butcher a patch job when he was able to see and could make sure that it was cleaned, stitched and on the road to healing properly.

He sighed to himself and before he could change his mind he was going to do, Caeso was walking into the room. With the small personal touches, it was a cute place. The whole of Nari's home was, from the extravagance of the outer tree to how it was decorated inside. Homely, even if he didn't know how long the spirit had made this his home for. Caeso's room back in his mother's place had had little decoration considering they hadn't been able to afford much but the bare necessities, and then his chambers at the palace were along similar lines. It had felt odd to decorate a space when he had nothing to truly decorate it with. Beyond the small personal items and trinkets collected over the years it had felt more of a workspace, especially in the most recent years. It didn't help that the captain had taken down everything that had been gifted to him from his prince after he had died, too ashamed and unable to look at them.

The captain walked up to Nari and he didn't wait to ask for any confirmation if he was allowed to help, he was taking Nari's hands in his own. Caeso's warmth seeped into the coldness of the spirit's hands but each touch was gentle and soft, as he if was still unsure if he was allowed to touch Nari at all let alone patch him up. He took the needle from his hands, and then the rag before wordlessly guiding Nari so he had his back to the table that the healing kit was sat on. Sitting wasn't going to do any good. It would force the wound it an uncomfortable position, especially when stitching it up. His own hands guided Nari's back till they were braced against the table, giving him something to hold onto.

And then Caeso was kneeling, shifting so he was between Nari's legs and practically eye level with the wound. Luckily it wasn't bleeding too much so he rested the cloth down to free up another hand, allowing him to rest it on the spirit's lower stomach to give himself something to hold to, and to keep him still, while Caeso worked, "You might have done it before but that doesn't mean you should have." He said, though his words were quiet and more to himself than anything.

Nari's ears sharply twisted towards Caeso the second he heard him step into his room, right before he lifted his head again to fruitlessly eye the incoming captain. Had he closed his door, this wouldn't be happening. Then again, he hadn't thought that Caeso would be nosy enough to poke his head in, let alone make the statement that Nari shouldn't be stitching himself blind before barging into the spirit's room. It threw Nari off, and every thought of getting caught up by Caeso being stupid and ridiculous went right out the window. He resisted the urge to back up and away from the man, some sort of instinct rising up in him at the rapidly closing distance. Caeso wasn't supposed to be in his room. Fuck. He was in his room advancing on him and he had no place to go.

No warning. No request for permission or anything. Was this how Caeso felt when Nari got into his space? Hands were on the spirit's, missing warmth invaded his skin, and then the needle and cloth were being taken away. Caeso didn't relent in his mission, and Nari was helpless to fight his touch. The gentleness and how he seemed hesitant even if stubborn captivated the spirit and held him hostage. A prisoner to his bewilderment and the softness in which he was being treated. He moved back until he bumped the edge of the table, all while his unseeing eyes stayed on Caeso like he was a puzzle that he couldn't fathom solving. And, surprisingly obedient, he let his hands be moved to the edge of the table. Nari had no idea what was going on, what the captain was thinking or intending to do, but he went along with every gentle direction and didn't fight back on anything. Caeso was in charge—for now.

Definitely in charge. Nari's grip turned white-knuckled on the edge of the table and he jerkily turned his head away, as if that would help him at all with how Caeso knelt between his legs. In an instant, his mind went haywire thinking of their current position, about how he was hardly wearing anything and what he did have on was about the loosest things he owned. The spirit's throat bobbed repeatedly as he swallowed back the nerves and every choked back comment that he didn't have the guts to say. Beneath Caeso's hand, his muscles tensed, and Nari shifted his weight ever so slightly. "I—" he started to say, then cleared his throat and tucked his chin a little. "Are you calling me incompetent? I'm not dead. Ish. If I was going to die like that, it would've happened."

Nothing was visible, nothing was happening, but he could feel Caeso's presence kneeling in front of him. The hand on his stomach, skin on skin, and the ghost of the other's breath skirting over his side. Everything was so simple, but Nari was hyperaware of every little thing happening. Thoughts were unwelcomed but they came to the front of his mind like rapid fire, and did nothing to help him stay calm and unaffected by Caeso on his knees. Eye level to his wound, sure maybe, but certainly far too close to other places that Nari would rather he be far away from in this position.

A part of him wanted to have his sight back. To see what was happening and to watch. Maybe it would be less horrible knowing what Caeso was doing and that he wasn't in any danger of anything. But he also knew that it would only make the images more vivid and realistic, a perfect rendering of this exact moment to pull from. Sightless, he was subject to his own thoughts and imagination based on what he could feel. And that was the danger in this. He could only feel what was actively happening to him. If Caeso made a surprise move or turn in direction, Nari wouldn't know until it was happening, and the anticipation of every touch was on the verge of killing him on the spot. It was all his fault. No sense in blaming Caeso when the man didn't have a clue as to what Nari's mind decided to focus on. But that didn't stop the spirit from silently cursing him for putting them into this position in the first place. He could've done it differently.

Caeso was a solider first a foremost and in instances like this that was the only thing his mind was focusing on. He was unaware of how Nari’s mind was going to less than innocent places because right now all he was thinking of was stitching the spirit up correctly. Either way he wouldn’t have thought someone would have turned to images and ideas that the spirit was thinking about when they were being actively stitched up. The man was bleeding, had been bleeding out for a while and the wound had reponed presumably with the removal of the man’s clothes as he had prepared to stitch himself up alone. Typical. It was why Caeso was so quietly insistent on fixing the wound himself. Who knew what was to happen if he let Nari go wild with a needle. It just reinforced the idea that he shouldn’t have been anywhere near one to begin with.

Fixing your own wounds was either a brilliant idea or a terrible idea. On one hand it meant practicing life skills and knowledge that would be useful in the battlefield. It meant knowing how to fix friends up when the situation was dire and definitely helped take the stress of the healers when there were others who were more than capable to fix up injuries practically. Caeso had been in that instance more times than he could count. Coming back from battle and finding the camps and tents overwhelmed, healers backed up and people suffering. Thank Gods that he had learned because they had been more than grateful for the extra helping hand.

But on the other hand having someone who wasn’t properly trained in the practice was a pretty shit idea from time to time. For example, like right now, when Nari had been intending on stitching the wound up. Caeso didn’t know what his other injuries had looked like when he had fixed them, but if he had been doing it blind he guessed that it probably wouldn’t have been good. Having to feel around for the edges of the wound and make guesses as to where the needle is going in an out, hoping you managed to stitch it up well enough to keep blood from seeping out? Disastrous.

It was why Caeso had no qualms with helping out, why he was too stubborn to stop now that he had started. The captain threaded the needle gently through the skin, making sure each loop of the thread was pulled secure and tight that Nari would be able to move without popping them and not too tight to cause discomfort, “I’m sure you’re more than competent when it comes to other situations. Stitching yourself up? Probably not.”

Caeso shifted so he was closer, almost wrapped around Nari’s leg so he could be as close as he could get to the wound and see what he was doing. His breathing would be clearly felt against the spirits skin, and the hand that was not holding the needle moved. It moved so it was wrapped further around Nari’s waist, as if tugging him closer as well as preventing him from moving away and causing a stitch where it wasn’t necessary. The captain didn’t pick up on how his fingers were close to the waist band of Nari’s pants, practically skirting under the hem in his attempt to keep him still.

Nari sucked in a steadying breath, even if that did absolutely nothing to calm his pounding pulse. Caeso had no idea what he was doing to him. If he did, then that meant he was a cruel, cool-headed man, because there was no way that he was doing this on purpose and not reacting in some way. Nari was gripping onto the table and keeping himself as turned away from the man as he could, regardless of his sight status, and his heart was picking up pace the more that he had Caeso breathing on him and touching his bare skin. Utterly unfair that he was stuck in this situation and had no means of changing it or avoiding it altogether. It wasn't even just the touch and proximity that was getting to him, it was the position and the instincts that rose up in a torrent.

Caeso was at the perfect level for Nari to just tilt his head a certain way and give a little bit of encouragement. Instead of leaning on the table, he could be holding onto Caeso for support while combing his fingers through the man's hair. Hell, Caeso could decide he wants to lean on Nari and just rest right there, and the spirit wouldn't have any qualms with that so long as he got to touch in return. A large part of that tight grip was to keep himself from doing something stupid, and to let the pitch of pain from the wood digging into his skin distract from any thoughts that crossed his mind. It didn't work, of course, but at least he stayed glued to the table and didn't do anything more stupid than let Caeso stitch him up in the first place.

He should've done it himself. He wasn't incompetent, he was just stubborn and used to doing it by himself with a little bit of improvised aid. Sure, some of his scars weren't as pretty as they could've been had he gotten the stitching right, but they still healed, and he hasn't bled out yet. Nari wasn't that dumb. "So you're calling me incompetent. You know that we wouldn't be in this situation if I had remembered to close the door, right?" And the captain wouldn't have found him dead on the floor from a stupid wound caused by a stupid demon. All that would happen is, Nari would have a decent patch job that did what it was supposed to do, then he would be going into the bathroom to finish cleaning up and change. None of this. None of the kneeling or hands on his exposed waist or breath on his skin.

And when Caeso only shifted closer, practically hugging Nari's leg, the spirit debated for a split second on if he should just shove him away and deal with it himself. Maybe if he was gentle, but firm with his words as he explained that he would rather he do it by himself, then he wouldn't wound Caeso too much. The thought of shoving the man off of him, though, felt awful. He didn't really want him away from him—quite the opposite—but he really wasn't making it any easier for Nari to keep a cool and empty mind. He nearly made a strangled noise when the hand holding him tugged him up and closer to Caeso, then slipped a little into the band of his pants; which were the only articles of clothing he had on, which weren't the most modest of things either. Only meant for a quick change between tasks, then swapped out for something comfortable but sturdy.

Somehow, he didn't move. The most that happened was the occasional shift of muscle beneath Caeso's hand from Nari tensing up and moving the slightest bit from the sharp pains of the needle threading through his skin. Nari was too scared to move. If he did, then he might do something really stupid, and he'd end up on Caeso's shit list until the end of eternity. And, no matter how much he told himself that he didn't care in the slightest, he would rather he stay off that list so that he could keep in contact with the grumpy man who was holding him so gently and being so firm with his care. But, his lack of movement was wreaking havoc on his mind as he continued to imagine things, things that only got worse with each change in Caeso's touch and how much closer he got to him. Willpower was the only thing keeping him from reaching down to cup the back of the captains head and encourage him to rest his forehead against the spirit's hip, like a minimal one-handed hug. If he did that, not only would he be stabbed brutally with the needle, but he'd lose the only ally he had in this mission.

Caeso's gaze flicked upwards for the briefest moment before they came back down to the wound once more. He wasn't going to argue, at least, not that much or too greatly that it could cause a rift. But he wasn't going to relent in his care anytime soon. No, he was fixing the wound and if Nari wanted him to go away he could have to kick him out the door and slam it behind him. Since the man was staying still, however, and for some reason or another was doing his best to look anywhere but him, Caeso knew that wasn't going to happen. Good. The less fighting about care the better.

It was a bit hypocritical of him to think such a thing when he had been adamant about moving on fast and not staying long. Caeso was shit at self-care. He wasn't shit at taking care of others. It was his whole job. One way or another, whether that was helping with injuries after a battle, guarding and watching the royal family to make sure nothing went wrong and they didn't end up dead, or consoling someone after a loss, he could do all those things. Well, all of them but the second on that list. As he worked the needle through the skin he did his best to keep his attention on the task at hand rather than wandering to other places he didn't need it to go.

That was proving harder than expected. Caeso had thought, he had hoped, that focusing on Nari and the wound under his fingers would have allowed for him to stop thinking about everything he had done wrong so far in his life. The attack had only increased the amount of guilt he felt when it came to the responsibility he held, his title as Captain of the King's Guard. A title that he didn't believe he deserved anymore. First it had been his prince. The man he had sworn himself to in more ways than one and had ultimately failed to protect him. Now it was the entire city, his entire home. People he had spent his life growing up around and men he had served in battle with, men who had always come out victorious, men who had looked to him for help and guidance and Caeso had offered it up without needing to be asked twice. But not anymore. Now they were gone, it was all gone and how any of it would be able to come back he was unsure.

So he was more than oblivious to Nari's internal struggle. Didn't pay any attention to how the spirit gripped the table so harshly and kept his gaze- even if blind- turned away from the captain kneeling between his legs. Caeso was too wrapped up in his own head and the guilt that threatened to devour him whole to think about anything but that, but helping at least one person. It may not have been much, but by mending Nari's wound, at least he had done something right today. He wouldn't say it, but he was thankful Nari hadn't pushed him away. If he couldn't even help his new companion, how was he to help thousands?

He couldn't, would be the answer to that question, "Either you're incompetent and dumb enough to leave the door open for me to see in or you wanted me to help," He replied, though the words weren't exactly registering, "Pick whichever option fits best." He left it at that, especially as his work fixing the wound was coming to an end. A stitch, and then another, and one more and Caeso was finishing it up and tying the end of the thread. A perfect, clean line from where the wound began and ended, no blood left on the skin and nothing but the small bits of thread poking out of the spirit's skin to indicate that there had been any wound to begin with. Practically perfect. He placed the needle and thread down and moved his hands, gliding them around Nari's stomach so they were together before they were tugging the hem of Nari's pants down. Not but a lot, only dropping the pants an inch or so down on the one side, but a little in order to see if there was anything he had missed.

Nari breathed in to keep his heart rate as steady as it could be, but that wasn't working much. There was the muted registering of pain in his side from Caeso sewing his wound shut, more quickly and efficiently than the spirit should've done it had he been on his own, but the most he focused on was the warmth of the other's touch and presence that steadily made its way under his skin, once again warming the cold he always carried around. Right where Caeso held his stomach and waist was practically burning him from how hyperaware he was of the gentle touch.

Before he could help it or even try to control it, there was a flood of thoughts that poured through the shitty dam he had built up in the back of his mind. Scenarios. Ones that he could almost feel thanks to the man in front of him. Nari laying in his bed, his eyes bright with sight and mirth. Caeso laying next to him with sneaky hands sliding under his shirt to curve around his sides. The brush of his nose over Nari's stomach as he looked up at the spirit to make sure he was doing good, that what he was doing was okay and accepted. The captain between his legs indulging himself while Nari watched and encouraged. Letting loose. The two of them were far from friends or even companions, but that didn't mean Nari couldn't fantasize about things when Caeso was holding him and touching him while on his knees. The situation didn't matter to him. Being stabbed with a needle over and over again was at the very back of his mind when he had something more appealing to think about and let his body focus on.

Of course, that was also a bad idea because Caeso was far too close to him for that. Bodily reaction to being touched in a way that was less than friendly—that's all that this was. It didn't mean anything between them. It didn't mean that Nari liked him or anything. But that reaction needed to stay mental and nothing else. Especially… Especially when he started to sense that something was off with Caeso. He wasn't as argumentive as he should've been, even if he was still being pushy about Nari needing his help.

His muscles jumped and Nari resisted the urge to squirm when Caeso slid his hands around his stomach, then did the last thing he should be doing. The spirit ducked his head and tried to stay still, stay in control, but he ended up slowly letting go of the table with one hand and, ever so gently, buried his fingers into Caeso's hair. He needed something else to distract him from everything the man was doing. But, it was also a subtle way to comfort when he picked up on more askew feelings surrounding the captain. He was in his own head again, just like when they had been in his chambers. "… I'll take the help," Nari mumbled, fingers twisting as he idly played with Caeso's hair to self-soothe and comfort.

It helped some to keep his mind out of the gutter, but it only pulled up out by a little bit. He was still submerged, and it wouldn't go away until he had Caeso far out of his space and not in a position that had so much potential had they been two very different people in a very different time. Flirting was not going to happen in a time like this. It wasn't. But his mind and imagination didn't care, only about the hands sliding over his skin and the breaths that sent chills down his spine with every exhale. The hand still on the table tightened once more and Nari's ears flattened, but he stayed still beyond the hand in Caeso's hair. He wouldn't do anything, no matter how much he screamed at himself in silence.

For the briefest moment, Caeso's hands stilled when he felt Nari's own in his hair. But just as quickly as he had stilled he was moving again, shifting with the newfound touch that the spirit had graced him with and was moving with it, just a little. It was exactly encouragement, but it was enough to say that that was fine. If anything he needed it to stay grounded in the moment because while Nari's mind went to less than innocent places, his was staying firmly stuck in the horrible events that had occurred that day, along with the previous mistakes made in his lifetime.

When he was certain that there were no more injuries that he needed to stitch up for the spirit he tugged Nari's pants back up to where they had been sitting before, maybe a little higher. No more injuries, no more blood, nothing to worry about anymore. If they were lucky they wouldn't find themselves in any situations that required them to move in such a way that would end up with them ripping, but Caeso didn't think that was going to be entirely possible. They were going to The Under after all. There were going to be more demons, harder and tougher enemies than he had ever fought before, at least, and he had no doubt that a gouge in one of their sides was going to be the least of their worries when they ended up there. For now, he would feel better in the fact that they were both clean and fixed up. Ready to go. Ready to move.

Caeso finally stood up from where he had been knelt, knees a little sore but it would soon fade. He'd dealt with worse and at least Nari would be okay now. Why he was so worried about the spirit he would never know. They were nothing but companions with the same goal in mind who were going to be working together for a while. Nothing else. But he couldn't stop himself from worrying. Maybe because if anything happened to the man it would just be something else to add to his growing list of deaths falling on his shoulders. If he were to voice these worries he was more than aware Nari would insist it wouldn't be his fault, but it would be. It would be because Caeso could have protested when Nari said he was going to be tagging along with him. He could have protested when he stayed by his side. He could have left him at the castle. Could have turned away from that tunnel and headed in a different direction.

Could have. But he didn't. Instead, he had stayed and now it was going to be on him if the spirit died. Again. Or whatever it was that spirits did when they ended up close to dead once more. Was that even possible? Whatever, it didn't matter. He didn't respond to Nari's words stating that he would take the help. It was just something else that didn't matter now that he had finished with his job. The captain moved, and as he did Nari's hand that was on his head shifted, too, as he placed the needle and thread down on the table.

He stayed silent when he began to turn away. No snarky comment on how Nari was welcome for the help. How at least now he wasn't going to die again because Caeso had fixed him up correctly. Nothing. Not even a word about how he was going to head upstairs.

Nari's hand and fingers moved rhythmically as they automatically found a steady motion to repeat. The more he did it, the more he calmed some as he forced himself to hone his attention on that rather than… everything else. It was made easier when he started really picking up on Caeso's souring mood, and the growing concern for the captain surpassed the thoughts that he was desperate to leave far away in the gutter and away from the forefront of his mind. It wasn't the time or place to be thinking like that. It never would be the time or place for any of that moving on. It was better to just acknowledge that Caeso was hot, let it simmer a little, then let it go so that it was never seen again at inopportune times. Like now.

When Caeso stood, Nari removed his hand a bit reluctantly, but there wasn't any possible excuse that he could come up with to keep touching him. The wound was stitched and they were done. The spirit ran his fingers over the closed up gash, feeling the slight bump of his skin being forced closed and the unnatural coarseness of the stitches. Definitely a better and cleaner job than he would've done on his own, but he had already voiced his opinion on the matter, and Caeso didn't seem to be in the talking mood. The captain hasn't said a word in a while, and even then he sounded off. Quieter, less argumentative or bitchy. Nari knew that he had managed to knock Caeso off balance and get him to quiet some by being in his face and holding his face, but this wasn't the same.

He didn't know what to do or even what to think. Caeso wasn't the fondest of him, and it really wasn't his business, but Nari still cared about his well-being. If something was wrong, the man needed someone to lean on at the very least, even if he couldn't get the full comfort and understanding that a friend or family member would be able to provide. The spirit wasn't either one of those, but he could be a simple shoulder and listening ears. He had both, probably a better pair of ears than most people did. And even if Caeso didn't want to talk about what was on his mind, Nari could still provide comfort and support. For once, he wasn't coming up with an excuse or reason as to why he would do something like that. No one was here to question it besides the captain, and if he questioned Nari, then he'd get the simple truth—he needed it. No one could shoulder everything on their own without breaking, and Caeso was already so close to shattering. Nari didn't need to see to know that.

So when Caeso started to turn away, to leave the room, Nari moved on instinct before he had time to really know what his plan was. He snagged the man's shirt with his hasty flail, then found his shoulder to touch and gently keep him from leaving. The spirit then came up behind Caeso and finally let his unseeing gaze settle on him. "Hey," he whispered, touch moving to brush two knuckles over the captain's cheek, "You okay?"

Two words. One question. One that Caeso couldn't answer with a single word and yet it didn't find its way to his tongue. 'You okay?' No, he was far from okay. He didn't think he would ever be okay again at this rate. Everything he had worked so hard to fight for and protect had come crumbling down in mere minutes and there had been nothing he could do to stop it. The most he had hoped for was the safety of his men, his friends, but instead, he had been face-to-face with their deaths. He watched them die. Watched as they screamed and cried and called out for him to do something and had been met with nothing but disappointment in their final moments, along with the agony they would have undoubtedly been in. Disappointment in their captain. Disappointment that the man who was supposed to save them had abandoned them in their time of need.

Words failed. Everyone that he could try and think of to say, no, disappeared by the time they reached his mouth. All Caeso could do was open his mouth, close it again and shift on his feet. Nari was holding him again. Nari had his hands on him once more just as he had been touching the spirit moments before but only this time it was him being offered comfort. Emotional comfort, sure, rather than the physical help that he had given, but help nonetheless. They may have gotten off to a rocky start and this didn't mean Caeso no longer thought Nari was an ass or an annoyance, because he still was, but the longer they spent in one another's space the less of an annoyance he was becoming. At least right now. Nari was the only comfort that he had and the man had no reason to offer it up to him. He didn't have to, and yet he still was. Was here, was going to help with his mission to take out Ezekt, was here being the comfort that Caeso needed, as much as he didn't want to give in.

Captains didn't cry. Captains didn't need help from others because they were the one that was supposed to be offering the help. Caeso was supposed to be the pillar. He was the foundation of an army that protected one of the biggest civilisations on their continent and yet he had failed more than once on that front. And now? Now that pillar was fracturing from the ground up. One wrong move and it would fall completely and he would tumble and Caeso didn't think he would ever be able to come back from that. Not after so much loss that he was taking as his fault. The weight of it all held him down, pushed him further until more cracks formed with every passing thought. The longer he stayed in his own head the worse it became. The longer he refused help the more he was going to suffer. Even though he didn't want to accept it, he couldn't stop himself.

One moment he was standing as still as ever and the next he was pressed his forehead against Nari's chest. It didn't matter that the spirit didn't have a shirt on. It didn't matter that he could feel his skin on his forehead from where he was now headbutting his chest. All that mattered was that Nari was there. Caeso didn't move his arms, as if he was still waiting for a confirmation that he was able to move and ask for a proper hug, but it was a start.

Nari stayed still and patient as Caeso stood there in silence. He kept the gentle touch to the other's cheek to keep reminding him that he was there, he didn't need to fight on his own, there was a world around him that wasn't his head. Rushing Caeso or demanding he answer him wouldn't make much of a positive difference; if anything, it would drive the captain away and ruin any chance he had at letting himself breakdown like he needed to. The time in the palace counted only a little. He had let himself feel his emotions and grief for just the smallest of moments, then bottled it right back up like nothing was wrong, nothing had happened. That wasn't good for him by any means. The silence of the room was heavy, like the air itself bathed in Caeso's internal agony and soaked in it like a bone-dry sponge.

Eiya wouldn't be back until a little bit later. They were alone, and Nari was there already. He knew what the palace had been like firsthand, even without the attached sentimentality and dead family. Caeso wouldn't even need to talk, just let Nari comfort him in a way that he needed and wanted. No pushing, no bullying, but still the spirit hoped that the man would cave to him again. Not for personal gain despite the brief moment of selfish imagination and thoughts, but to make sure he was still taking care of himself. This time it wasn't physically, but mentally, which was just as important. Caeso could defeat Ezekt, save his people and home and see it be rebuilt, but he'd still be destroyed, nothing but a shadow hiding away from his now figurative demons. Always fighting, and always losing. Nari didn't need to have Mai's sight to know that's what would happen if he continued to bottle everything up and blame himself for the attack.

A soft headbutt. That's all Caeso did, just tap his forehead against Nari's chest and stand there limp. The spirit raised his arms on either side of him, startled and unsure as he stared into nothingness. No request for comfort, no demand he go away or that they continue on. Just a headbutt. But maybe that was his request, up for interpretation. Whatever the case, after debating in silence, Nari wrapped his arms around Caeso and bundled him up into a tight but gentle hug. It didn't matter if he was shirtless and could very clearly feel Caeso's breath on his chest or how his slightly damp hair brushed against skin. All of those previous thoughts escaped him and was quickly followed by concern.

He wouldn't talk. Talking wouldn't help in this situation. So, he held Caeso in an unyielding embrace that fully encompassed him, especially when Nari rested his chin on the top of his head. If this was all he needed at the moment, then Nari was more than willing to oblige. He ignored how easily Caeso could be folded into his arms, but he couldn't ignore the warmth that radiated from him. Still very living, still doing better than Nari was. He could make it through, the spirit was sure of it. If he could get the captain to care for himself and actually address the thoughts that were plaguing him, he would come out of this okay. He wanted to believe it, anyway, for Caeso's sake.

Your fault.

Useless. You’re not even a proper Captain.

You should have died with the rest of them.

This is all. your. fault.

Each thought only grew louder and louder with every steady thump of his heart beneath his skin. Alive. He was alive, and that was the problem. He shouldn’t be. He should be dead with the men that had given themselves up for the sake of trying to save the city, to save someone, at least, in a last ditch attempt to make good at the vows they had made when they had been sworn in as soldiers. Caeso had managed to break pretty much every vow and oath he had taken that day and that was going to live with him forever.

Live with him for as long as he did, at least. Mentally his mind was already dying, and maybe that was a good thing. The weight of it all, the burden he now carried of hundreds of deaths resting on his shoulders and each voice screaming that he was the reason that they were gone would break any man, no matter the title they carried. In Caeso’s instance it was as if every death that he had caused - directly or otherwise - had each voice and person now stuck inside his head, and every time they spoke they only became angrier as he continued on, as he continued to live while they had died. He should have been at the gates when they opened. He should have been fighting from the start rather than staying away and flailing around in a library looking for books. Or he at least should have been with the king. He had failed to protect the man’s son, and now he wasn’t even with the king himself trying to protect him from anything that might come his way.

Because of they had come for Indrigos, they had coke for the Fae and no matter how far the king fled he would be found eventually. If Caeso didn’t stop Ezekt then the whole world could shatter and break just as he was. He had no doubt there were demons already on the tail of the Fae king, sniffing him out like hounds to the dead to take care of the last living royal to the Fae throne. With no leader and no home they would be nothing more but a scattered people, doomed to wander for eternity until time and death caught up with them and they ended up in The Under like the rest of them. If the Death God was freed he would make not only the Fae city rubble but the rest of the continent, too, and turn the living realm into nothing but ash and smoke for his new home. And by taking out the most powerful civilisation first? The God only proved how powerful he was to the rest of the world. Everything would be lost and it would all fall back on him and his men who should have stopped him to begin with. But mostly on Caeso. The man who should have been at the gates and slaughtering demons before they even stepped foot on this plane but he hadn’t. As a result, hundreds were dead. All your fault.

Feeling Nari wrap his arms around him was the confirmation Caeso needed to do the same back. His arms wrapped loosely around the spirit’s middle, pressing his face further into his chest if at all possible in a feeble attempt to hide himself away from his blackened mind. Nari might not have been warm but he was warm enough and certainly solid enough to provide some sort of comfort. Caeso wasn’t letting himself cry. Wasn’t going to let any of his emotions out on him for the time being because he didn’t want to scare him away or be a burden any more than he knew he already was. Everything would stay bottled up inside but for now, the hug was the most he was allowing himself in terms of comfort. If Nari hadn’t had asked him that question he probably wouldn’t have done so, but regardless of how much his brain was fighting so many wars, he would give himself one hug. One hug and be done with it.

Nari curled his arms tighter around Caeso and buried a hand into his hair at the back of his head, like a cradle and encouragement to bury into the spirit's chest and hide from the world. Maybe, if Caeso stayed hidden enough, his thoughts couldn't reach him, couldn't haunt him through the day or night. Nari would take them away at night, when he couldn't argue or protest or question what his intentions were. He'd take away the possibility of dreaming of nightmares and demons just so Caeso could have a decent night's sleep. But here, in Nari's arms, he could do nothing of the sort without starting an argument that wasn't needed. The spirit closed his eyes and focused on just being there for Caeso, just holding him through the pain and letting him have another moment of vulnerability away from everyone else.

Because Nari was just a stranger. A nobody. He wasn't one of Caeso's men, wasn't family, wasn't a friend. He was quite literally no one to him, and the best person to bear witness to the captain break down. There was nothing to gain from telling others, and nothing for Caeso to lose by being seen. Maybe a little bit of his ego and dignity, but Nari was still a nobody that didn't matter. Once all of this was over, they'd part ways, and this moment right here? Gone, like it never even happened. Caeso could continue life without anyone knowing just how much the destruction of his entire world affected him, and Nari wouldn't have the care to spread gossip or hold it over the man's head, even now—a stupid hypothetical to begin with.

The thought didn't settle well with him, though. Separating and forgetting. Nari's subconscious violently rejected the idea of having anything to do with Caeso that involved never seeing or speaking to him again. Even the idea of simply forgetting him was met with a wall of denial and rejection. It made no sense, but there wasn't time or the need to figure it out. It would happen, just not right now. Right now, Nari needed to make Caeso feel as safe and free to grieve as he possibly could. To do that, the spirit carefully shifted his weight like a warning right before he inched them further into the room and away from the door. Further into a corner of Nari's things and away from open space, until he was surrounded on all sides. Boxed in, protected from open air and open space where anything could happen.

Nari often found that he liked hiding away in corners if he needed to get some things out of his system, like a purge of his emotions in the comfort of a tiny nook where they'd stay hidden away and unseen. Unfelt. He didn't know if Caeso felt the same way, but it was a quick fix that would involve minimum effort on both of their parts to adjust. It was the best he could do in the silence and the uncertainty of it all. Nari had no idea who the captain was outside his title and portrait. Well, that wasn't true. He knew a man that liked being held and blushed when his face was held and when he was forced to hold eye contact. He knew a man that was stubborn beyond compare. A man that neglected his own needs for the health of others, even annoying asshole strangers.

Who he knew, though, didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. He'd never be found in Caeso's social circle, so this? A vulnerability he couldn't use even if he wanted to. Which he didn't. No, and he didn't even try to exploit it in any way, taking to cuddling the man into his chest with a full embrace (not unlike that of a giant stuffed bear), and staying silent to let the captain figure out what he wanted to do and what choices were going to be made—what he wanted to let out and give to the starving air around them.

When Nari moved them Caeso more than obliged and moved with him. He wasn't going to protest, he didn't have the energy for that right now. Not when he was being boxed in and was finally somewhere he could feel somewhat safe for the first time that day. There was nowhere else safe for him anymore. His home was gone. Both of them. His city, and there was no longer a person that he could feel safe around to let himself go. The only person he had now was the spirit that was holding him as if he were about to break. Which, in all fairness, probably wasn't far from the truth.

No longer being in the open and by the door made it easier. He didn't have to worry about Eiya potentially coming downstairs, wherever he was and whenever he decided to return, and seeing him having a mental breakdown. He already knew that the other spirit was jealous of him, he had seen it in the way he had practically glared and had moved his hands deliberately around Nari's waist when he had got into his space on the counter. Why he was so jealous he would never understand. Why Caeso Cared on the other hand was a different story and something else he didn't wish to untangle right at that very moment. But he definitely didn't want to see him like this. Weak. Suffering. Silently clawing away at his mind from the inside until he was nothing more than a spirit himself, only he would have far less personality and will and endurance than the other two. Fuck, spirit wasn't even the right term. A ghost. A shell. Nothing more than a body relying on ingrained memory and movement to get him through each day until the inevitable shut down completely.

If he made it through all of this shit then would it even be worth it by the end? He was already losing his sense of self and it had only been a day of the destruction that Ezekt had caused. What was he going to come back to and who else was he going to lose along the way? Kia? Fuck if he lost her and never heard from his actual family again then he really would be nothing. Caeso hadn't heard from them since the attack and was deliberately avoiding thinking about them because he knew that the longer his thoughts stayed with them the more upset he was going to be. Especially if he found them dead at the end. They wouldn't know where he was, either, and if they were alive they were most likely as worried as he was. Leaving them behind and the thought of never seeing them again, the thought of them already dead was enough to have him clinging onto Nari tighter.

Having him there was a blessing. As much as he didn't want to admit it, it was. Without Nari, he wouldn't have even stopped to wash. Caeso would have kept fighting and going until he physically could not move anymore and there was nothing left. Even if he had all the keys and collapsed at the final gate due to it. Physically, Caeso knew he could take much more of a battering. Emotionally? Emotionally he was drained dry. Like a desert with not even an oasis to look to. Numb. That was what it was. Numb and empty. Nari holding onto him, asking if he was okay, was that soft glimmer of rain on the horizon he was letting himself believe in for once. It was why he wrapped his arms around him tighter, tried hiding his face into his chest more and tucked himself in as small as he could make himself as if that was going to stop his mind from screaming. It wouldn't but it was worth a shot.