forum I would love for someone to critique my evil boy

Started September 12, 2020 by @Alastor_Radio_Demon group

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I would love for someone to critique the Death Incarnate K

It seems very mary sue and a bit like a character you wouldn't be able to pair anyone with…? The zalgo text is a bit too much, too, I'd genuinely suggest you try and polish him and then add the zalgo text as an easter-egg in the notes, maybe. You can't really imagine him as a person or thing when he doesn't have a said-height or weight. If he's a demon or a galactic creature, I suggest you look at game characters like League Of Legend's Aurelion Sol or Bard for a celestial being, and Aatrox for perhaps a demon. They're very fleshed out and have their motives, goals and personality despite just being 'evil.' If he doesn't have a body type… How does he move around? Is he a flying star?

His motives and his overall personality just seems to be … Evil? For an evil character, I suggest you give him other motives such as taking over the world but for a reason, not just domination. Why does he want to dominate the world? What happens when he does? You should give him more personality than just 'evil.' Is he intelligent? Maybe he's charming.

'The color of death' is not that… Interesting? It's very vague and It's just unnecessarily edgy to put in there. If his favorite weapon is himself, how does he use 'himself' in a fight? Does he use his fists, how does he even fight if he doesn't have a body?

These are my thoughts. Sorry for this: But he seems a bit mary sue? It seems like no matter what, he'd be unbeatable. He's not very fleshed out and it's difficult to get a picture of him in my mind. If he's just plain evil… What else is there to him?

I agree with some parts of above but personally, I love this character. The way you've done the profile is really cool and for a presumably god-tier being as well as the fact that it seems as though the character itself is speaking, it makes sense for them to seem so powerful especially if they see themself that way.
You can't put the mary sue label on any character that's super powerful. I mean, death incarnate? That's not any average joe character
What I agree with is it needs some more details.
How does it destroy?
What can it do?
To what extent can it affect the world around it?
I don't think it needs a physical form. It's perfect if you want this being to be incomprehensible and beyond our understanding. Kind of like…ah the name escapes me. The guy who wrote Cthulu and other eldritch monstrosities.

Some more background would also be good and a little more dimension to the personality would add quite a bit I think. Not too much as to take away the effect of a powerful being but enough to make them more interesting.

I agree that it doesn't need a physical form, like I said- It should still be gone into depth in. If he doesn't have a body, is he a flying star, mass? Such like that. What's 'infinite height'? Does it mean he's just air or can he change his height as he pleases, and even then, if he doesn't have a body- What's height to him?

I agree with the 'You can't label everything powerful as a mary sue.' - But for me to agree with it, the character needs an actual purpose that isn't just destruction, domination and so. Yes, those are fine but is it the only thing driving It? Does it not want a physical body, get to know people? And when it then accomplishes those, is it just the end of the character? What will he do after that?

I agree: He can be powerful, but give him more story, depth and personality. Describe him better and give him flaws.

Thank you for the critiques @Reblod and @ZumzDeer for the critiques. I honestly wasn't even thinking about Cthulhu when I was writing this character, but now that you said it, that is definitely who I was basing it off of. It is sort of based off of God, who doesn't have a physical body. There is more stuff I want to say about K but I honestly can't think of it right now. Thank you all again, and good luck.